This is common. Parents write letters of complaint but don’t dare send them. Another I know of details how a primary school boy was not only thrown out of the gym, but out of the building in winter, in the dark, in a dangerous area and told to ring his father to come get him. The father wrote a letter but his son begged him not to send it. There was no where else to train and he loved his sport. What follows is a harrowing read:
To whom it may concern,
I apologise if this email is sent to the wrong person but I really don’t know who else to contact.
My daughter [Child 1] has recently moved from [CLUB 3] to [CLUB 4] and has been finding it very hard settling. She has been extremely nervous and fearful about her new coaches (through no fault of theirs) and spent the first month or so crying during every session. This behaviour is not normal for a 10 year old and I am concerned she may have some psychological issues which will need to be sorted out if she is going to be able to continue gymnastics, a sport she loves.
[Child 1] has always enjoyed gymnastics. She started when she was 4 and often talked about wanting to be a champion. When she was 8 I realised she had outgrown her local club so sought out [ABUSIVE COACH], a former coach at [CLUB 1] who had shown an interest in [Child 1] when she was there. I arranged a trial and she was very excited to be in the same group as [Child 2] , [Child 3] and [Child 4] who she regularly watched on YouTube.
After just 2 months at [CLUB 2] training with [ABUSIVE COACH], [Child 1] told me she wanted to stop gymnastics. I asked her why and she said ‘because [ABUSIVE COACH] is horrible to the other girls’. I asked if [ABUSIVE COACH] was horrible to her but she said no, but said she was scared it would happen to her too. She had a couple of days off during which time [ABUSIVE COACH] rang and spoke to [Child 1] and she agreed to go back.
Although I wasn’t aware at the time, there were 3 other sets of parents who were very unhappy with the way [ABUSIVE COACH] was treating the kids and brought it up to [the CLUB 2 owners].
Throughout the 20 months [Child 1] was with [ABUSIVE COACH] she talked about quitting quite often. When asked if she would like to try another gym, she always said she could only do gymnastics if she was with [ABUSIVE COACH].
[Child 1] rarely told me what was going on in the gym but there have been a few occasions I have seen things for myself and have had comments from other parents regarding two other incidents.
Shortly after moving from [CLUB 2] to [CLUB 3] [Child 1] came out to me during a session crying and said she wanted to quit. She wouldn’t give me a reason, so I told her to go back in and tell [ABUSIVE COACH] why she wanted to quit. After speaking to [ABUSIVE COACH] she carried on with the session.
About a week later I was waiting at the gym when [Child 3] came out of the gym crying and hopping. I asked her what was wrong and she said she hurt her foot on the beam. I took her into the toilets to put some cold water on her foot. Whilst I was in the toilets [Child 3] ’s mum phoned me to ask what was going on. She was angry as she had just got a call from [Child 3] (not [ABUSIVE COACH]) saying she had hurt her foot and had been told by [ABUSIVE COACH] to go home and not to come back. Soon after [Child 1] came out crying. She said she didn’t want to do gym anymore because [ABUSIVE COACH] told her she didn’t want her in the group. I took her back into the gym to tell [ABUSIVE COACH] she was going to quit because she couldn’t be coached by her. [ABUSIVE COACH] said she didn’t mean it she was just frustrated because [Child 1] couldn’t do her beam routine that day. During the same beam session [Child 5] who was only 6 at the time was also sent out crying. One by one all 5 girls in the group were sent out during that session. It was after seeing the way she treated [Child 3] when she broke her foot I decided [Child 1] needed a phone so she could call me if there was a problem because I couldn’t trust [ABUSIVE COACH].
A week before national finals in November [Child 1] came home and told me she had hurt her big toe at gym. I wasn’t worried as [ABUSIVE COACH] had not mentioned it to me. A few days later [Child 1] was still having pain from her toe and was crying during training and I told [ABUSIVE COACH] I thought she should get it checked at the hospital but [ABUSIVE COACH] said not to bother as they didn’t do anything last time she broke it. [Child 1] trained all week and competed at nationals. When we were at the competition Vince, [Child 4]’s dad told me what happened when she hurt her toe as he was in the gym helping [Child 4]. He said [Child 1] had smashed her toe into the floor during an exercise and stopped and sat down crying. As [ABUSIVE COACH] did not go to see if she was OK he went onto the floor and carried her off. After icing it he strapped it up and left her sitting at the side so he could go and help [Child 4]. He said he looked around when he heard [Child 1]’s music and saw her doing her floor routine and crying all the way through. I took [Child 1] to get her toe looked at after the competition and she had 3 breaks on the same toe. A Salter Harris Type 3 Fracture from June which still hadn’t healed properly and 2 breaks from the knock in November. When she broke her toe in June [ABUSIVE COACH] said in a text message –
That’s not too bad, [Child 2] did hers right before nationals last year they heal up quick whilst teaching a vital lesson why does she need to go to fracture clinic there is nothing they can do for toes.
Well [Child 1]’s didn’t heal up quickly and still wasn’t right 5 months later. Should a coach be giving medical advice when they obviously have no idea?
A pattern started in November 2010 and continued through to November 2011 where [Child 1] always had a stomach problem with vomiting and diarrhoea before a major competition. She was expected to train through this and took spare leotards with her. The week before Nationals in 2010 I phoned [ABUSIVE COACH] to say the school had asked me to collect [Child 1] as she was unwell with a stomach bug. [ABUSIVE COACH] said not to worry she would collect [Child 1] early and take her to the gym to wait for me when I finished work. [Child 1] used to get very anxious if she didn’t go to gym as she didn’t want to get shouted at for missing a session, so I allowed her to go but collected her early. [ABUSIVE COACH] had [Child 1] training despite being unwell, and during the session [Child 1] soiled herself and was extremely embarrassed about it, especially as [ABUSIVE COACH] used this event to inform other children in the group how tough [Child 1] was and they should be more like her.
The stomach problems increased significantly after [Child 1] broke her toe the second time. She was unwell with stomach pain during a session and she was told by [CLUB 3 management/owner] not to worry and to continue training as it’s not like she has appendicitis. Again, I was not contacted by either the gym or the coach and I had to rely on [Child 1] to tell me what had happened. [Child 1] was spending a lot of time in the toilet during training sessions. The pain became worse and I took her to our doctor in December who sent her straight to hospital where she was admitted for about a week. Of interest, this coincided with her first national squad training camp where she would go away for the weekend with [ABUSIVE COACH]. After extensive tests including an MRI scan the hospital could not find a cause for her pain and discharged her.
During another session [Child 1] was vomiting blood in the toilets and rang to tell me. I called [Mum 5] , [Child 5] ’s mum who I knew was waiting at the gym and asked her to see if [Child 1] was OK. She told me she stayed in the toilets with [Child 1] until she felt a bit better. While they were in the toilets [Child 4] came out to see what [Child 1] was doing and [Mum 5] said to tell [ABUSIVE COACH] she was vomiting blood. [Mum 5] took [Child 1] to the waiting area and told her to sit with her until I got there. [Child 2] then came out to see where [Child 1] was and she was also told to tell [ABUSIVE COACH] what had happened. [ABUSIVE COACH] finally came out at this point and asked [Mum 5] what was going on. [Mum 5] explained and asked if there was a medical officer who could see [Child 1], [ABUSIVE COACH] said there wasn’t and told [Child 1] to go back into the gym. [Mum 5] let her go telling her to sit quietly when she was in there. After they had gone in two parents from a different group commented on how cold [ABUSIVE COACH] was and lacked any compassion. About 15 minutes later [Child 1] went running back into the toilets and told [Mum 5] she had sat down for a little while then [ABUSIVE COACH] had asked her to continue training. The evening before [Child 1] was due to go to overnight national squad training in January she told me her stomach pain was getting really bad again and I took her back to the hospital. Whilst she was there I was asked if anything was causing her stress as the doctor felt [Child 1] was running from something. To top it all when I told [ABUSIVE COACH] [Child 1] was back in hospital she clearly didn’t believe me and asked if I was playing games.
I am sure there were many other problems but as I said before [Child 1] was very reluctant to tell me what was going on in the gym concerning her. The interesting thing is that she was ok telling me when she felt someone else had been treated unfairly. Once she told me [ABUSIVE COACH] had told [Child 3] to take some pain killers and overdose if she wanted. This really upset [Child 1] and I had to tell her [ABUSIVE COACH] didn’t mean it. Another time she was horrified that [ABUSIVE COACH] had smacked [Child 2] and admitted she didn’t know her own strength. She again got upset when [ABUSIVE COACH] threw [Child 2] into the pit in a fit of rage.
There were numerous times one of the girls would be sent out to sit in the changing rooms, or sent home early or told to train in a different (baby) group. [ABUSIVE COACH]’s tactic was to send the girls home early so the parents would be angry with them as well and they would then get into trouble twice. [Child 1] could see all this happening and was so scared of upsetting [ABUSIVE COACH] she pushed herself through illness and pain so she would not get into trouble. [ABUSIVE COACH] often told me [Child 1] had an incredible work ethic and was the toughest kid she knew. She even said she would have to be careful not to burn her out as she would do anything asked of her and pushed herself to the limits. I now know she did this through fear of [ABUSIVE COACH].
I have always expected [Child 1] to work hard and do her best in all her endeavours. This is how she was brought up. I believe give praise when praise is due and am tough when need be as we live in a tough world. I do not expect my child to get special treatment but do expect her to be treated fairly.
I had to remove [Child 1] from [CLUB 3] as they had no intention of dealing with any problems brought to them about [ABUSIVE COACH] and have admitted to always fully backing their coaches. When during a meeting between the parents in the group, [ABUSIVE COACH] and [CLUB 3 owners/managers] I tried to discuss the way [Child 1] had been treated the day she was vomiting blood, I got very emotional and no one wanted to listen and when I got upset I was asked to leave the club. I was also told by [ABUSIVE COACH] I knew she was ill so it was my fault for sending her in. I put my hands up to this as I should have not have cared whether [ABUSIVE COACH] got upset, but [Child 1] would not let me tell her when I was upset about something because she didn’t want to get in trouble.
As this meeting was called to discuss bullying issues I would have expected the welfare officer to be present. Perhaps if they had been I would have been able to get my point across and not been so emotional. I have never received any notification from [CLUB 3] that I have been kicked out and was never contacted by [CLUB 3 owners.
/managers to try to resolve any issues. I feel they are protecting [ABUSIVE COACH] and do not have the children’s welfare at heart. I supported [ABUSIVE COACH]’s move from [CLUB 2] to [CLUB 3] as [ABUSIVE COACH] made it sound that the owners of CLUB 2 were only interested in getting rid of her to keep the kids and she was only stressed because of the way they treated her. I now see they were the only ones to try to keep her in line and prevented her from bullying the girls.
This is a text I got from [ABUSIVE COACH] on 20th June 2011 – a few days before we left.
Dear parents, usually when I am feeling this way I would sink into myself, but mistakes from last year have told me not to do that! So I am telling you now, things are not great at the gym at the mo, I am not sure what I have done, but I am currently arch enemy number one at the gym! People have been told not to talk to me, not to work with me and much more! It is hard not to let this affect my state of mind in the gym but I am trying! So I am asking you to try to keep the girls motivated and get them to work as it will make how I’m feeling a lot better and easier! I am not telling you this to shit stir or make excuses but so you are all aware of what is happening, I don’t want to discuss it, but feel I owe you all to be honest! I am not sure at mo how is best to deal with the situation so at mo am going to keep my head down and mouth shut tactic but that doesn’t seem to be working either!!Sorry I seem to cause so many problems but believe me when I say I know I am not perfect but I am trying! Much love [ABUSIVE COACH] xxx
When [ABUSIVE COACH] left [CLUB 2] I was at work so did not go to collect [Child 1] but received a phone call from [CLUB 2 owner] the following day explaining what had happened and letting me know [Child 1] was part of [CLUB 2] and they would find a group for her to go in. When I said we would not need a place and would go wherever [ABUSIVE COACH] went I was basically told I was not a fit parent for allowing my child to go with a coach who mistreats her. Discussions with [ABUSIVE COACH] had led me to believe her behaviours were due to being stressed at [CLUB 2] as the coaches were jealous of her success and were trying to destroy her.
On 17th July I got another text from [ABUSIVE COACH].
Hi guys [CLUB 2] have started their smear campaign I need an email from each of you saying a couple of lines about how your kids and yourselves felt at [CLUB 2], how you felt I was treated, how you felt about me and why you have decided to come with me please asap. I have just sat next to my friend who was being rang by [another coach] about a job offer and all he has done is talk about me and slag me off even though she keeps saying I don’t want to discuss it. I will forward it along with the letters from [Child 6]’s parents to be kept on record.
[ABUSIVE COACH] has played mind games with the parents and the kids, convincing us that all her problems are from others bullying her and in the right gym she will be amazing. Well she seems to have that gym now and they are so supportive of her she thinks she can do anything. I have never known anyone with such a big ego who will use anyone to get where she wants to be. And more fool [CLUB 3] for allowing her to do it. [ABUSIVE COACH] likes to play the victim and convinces those around her she is hard done by, but the ones who are really suffering are the kids.
[Child 1]’s new coaches have informed me she has been emotionally and psychologically damaged by [ABUSIVE COACH]. She has had nightmares about [ABUSIVE COACH] since leaving, has flashbacks about being pushed off the beam and said she would never go back to her. [Child 1] believed she could only be good if she was with [ABUSIVE COACH] as she was always told this by [ABUSIVE COACH]. [ABUSIVE COACH] would tell her that other people and coaches were rubbish and she was best off with her. After we left [ABUSIVE COACH] phoned me to try to get [Child 1] back and told me she was the best person for [Child 1]. She admitted to telling people in the gymnastics community we had been kicked out the club and said she did it out of retribution because she was angry. When I was going to move [Child 1] to another club in November the coach I approached refused to trial her saying she would not take [Child 1] because of all the things [ABUSIVE COACH] has done for her. I appreciate [ABUSIVE COACH] went out of her way to help but that does not excuse the way she treated her. I had to move [Child 1] for her own safety and welfare as no-one within the club was willing to listen or look out for the kids.
It has taken over 2 months for [Child 1] to begin to have any confidence in what she does. She has finally stopped crying during every session but now has a headache or chest pain when she goes to training. She says the coaches are nice but I believe she is waiting for it all to go wrong again. She has little trust in them and is always on edge. Even before meeting [the new coach] [Child 1] broke down in tears and said she was scared to go in because she thought she was going to be horrible.
[Child 1] has missed competing at level 2 compulsory as it was felt she would be unable to cope emotionally. I have complete faith in the coaches at [CLUB 4] and agree competing would have been damaging for her. [Child 1] would benefit tremendously from a sport psychologist and hope you have access to one through BG. Before she went to [ABUSIVE COACH], she didn’t have any issues and now has huge problems which are taking time to come to terms with and slowing her progress. As [ABUSIVE COACH] is a BG sanctioned coach and is supported by the national squad coaches I think someone owes it to [Child 1] to help her through this.
I have been told by [ABUSIVE COACH] that Adrian Stan says she is the future of British Gymnastics and that they will invest in her and not to worry because kids come and go but good coaches are hard to find. Sometimes you have to think why kids come and go … if you have a coach who is damaging them they will never fulfil their potential.